Hours into days into months into….. years. How can this much time have passed? As I write this it’s been 6 years and 5 months tomorrow. I find myself wanting to go back in my mind to the initial days following, to reconnect to the grief, to the time when it was hurting and we cried, yes the tears flowed constantly it seemed. To when it was all we talked about. Sometimes I go to YouTube and watch the funeral which was filmed sideways but I don’t care. This might seem absurd to some and totally relatable to others.

As we live in this many years away from when Janel was alive my heart is not comforted but still sad. I try to write about her life and connect to how she said “If you are in the darkness you will never find peace” but it is hard and (time) at first, I would think is my friend because now I’m able to focus more clearly, on life, purpose, putting aside the pain and doing the next thing. (Time) isn’t my friend though, because it seems at times to be removing me from her, putting distance between the time when I could still see her clearly and hear her voice and now when it’s harder to see, to hear and yet the pain still churns in my gut because I miss her.